Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Thought spill


It is one of my ‘must-write’ days again – one of the rarer instances when my need to write takes priority even over my need to sleep. I’ve started alright, but there is nothing I have to particularly write about; yet so many thoughts/ideas are swarming in my head. So I’ve decided to follow my train of thoughts…

Right now my first thoughts are about V who is sitting here, right next to me, checking his mails (an 800 something backlog!!) The guy’s fantasy of birds is fascinating. His eyes seem to be completely drinking up those bird images on the monitor.

We are precisely only a month away from being man and wife - lawfully. We got our pre-nuptial enquiry at church and application for marriage registration at court done yesterday. In exactly a month from today, i.e. the 18th Jan ’08, we will be civilly marriage – having finished just one of the several weddings that we’ll undergo. A reaffirmation of certain vows will have to be made again (in the Hindu way) and yet again (in the Catholic way) over the week after. Having to confirm in the eyes of the various societies we’re part of, what we have already affirmed to each other.

I was reminded yet again of the number-game that destiny has been playing in the constant with us. 18th January – a day of the month that I’ve always strongly associated with A. That was supposedly the date of my first meeting with him. Now when I marry V on the very same date, each of my previous associations will be erased – completely. Thereafter, every 18th will belong to V. Sorry A, looks like even my future doesn’t want you in it, even as memories. And of the dates of our weddings, 17th will be the last one- a date on which V confessed his “love” for me – the final seal. Wow! This is really uncanny – down to the last detail. If these aren’t signs from up above, I ask, what else are? There could be no better example of a ‘meant-to-be’!!

Life in the last month with V has given me a preview of what I’m getting into – a preview I quite like. Sure we have had our share of disagreements and near fights, but it looks real nice from where I stand today. I hope I am living up as much / more or less to the visions of V as he is to mine. Doing it all together – cooking, eating, sleeping, washing dishes, watching movies – oh yes, it has been good.

Part of the reason for picking up this journal today was to write my review/reflections for the movie 15 Park Avenue – a movie that V and I watched together and one that made for a lot of soul searching stuff. Also, we’d promised each other that we would write reviews of movies that we see together which would be part of our creative learning process. Yes, the movie has a lot to write about, but procrastination has led to a fainted memory and I’m afraid the review will have to wait till I’ve watched it again and refreshed my remembrance.

Yet another thought that’s competing for the number one spot as I’m nearing tomorrow is about meeting Aj. Aj will be in town tomorrow and I’m supposed to be meeting him. This will be my first interface with him – months after I got to know him. From where it started to where it has reached now makes for very unsettling sentiments. They bother me. V knows, for the greater part, what Aj is all about and thus justifiably uncomfortable.

I know what I want, where I stand and where I’m headed – very sure – for the first time in my life. There still is some anxiety though. Is it because first times cause fear? In this case, the pertinent first is my surety of myself. I am tough to trust in my own eyes…or am I?

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