Sometimes I wonder if my bouts of restlessness represent anything greater than the classical example of an idle mind leasing itself to the works of a devil. It has gripped me again today – that unnameable, inexplicable restlessness - a restlessness that gives rise to unreasonable irritability, causeless questions and useless feelings. The devil’s workshop theory came about because today has been one of my perfectly idle days – not one thought worked upon, not one word written. The urge to write here, in ink, in this journal makes itself felt as and when these spells make their rounds.
It started quite early this day, as I was riding back home, I guess. First it was just some memories of A that floated up to my consciousness as casually as much as my being is capable of casualness. I started from being mildly amused at their appearance in the first place and more so at their timing. I was just returning from V’s place and my head was ‘supposed-to-be’ filled by his thoughts. Yet, A continued to insist on being present on the first line of my thoughts, leading to my amusement turning to discomfort. “He must be thinking about me…it’s just those vibrations...” I offered to myself my current favourite argument, but in vain – I realised a little later. I busied myself with getting ready for work and got to office in seemingly good spirits; and must have pushed A to the back of my mind for a while.
With the passing of those unbearable empty hours, the thoughts re-emerged. This time around, the form of the thoughts had apparently changed and with it had changed the accompanying feelings. It wasn’t A anymore – not at least distinctly. I cannot quite place what thoughts might have buzzed in my head then, but I know I can tag those feelings as a mounting irritation - irritation and anger and malice towards everyone and everything. No one’s crossed my path hence and has therefore been spared of my reasonless ire – no one but V. One fearfully innocent message stating a fact was enough for me to explode and spew it all on him. I used the same tricks I’d learnt from him and regressed through the day asking a series of “whys” till it brought be back to the ride home. So, I find myself asking the question if it is a case of comparison.
(Dunno what I was thinking and the last bit makes no sense to me.. The facts are lost and so are the feelings..but the words remain – and I like them)