Monday, May 03, 2010

End of Project J

I think it’s over at last – my Project Jishnu. But before detractors start crying foul, no, I’ve not disowned my son. What has happened is that I’ve finally owned him. Blame it on post-natal depression or a plainer, ruder habit of ego-centric living, Jishnu felt like an interruption in my scheme of things. He was always my Project J – something that had been thrust upon me, and that I had to grudgingly do. He wasn’t part of my life. All he seemed like was an irritating little distraction that needed to be fed, changed, bathed and occasionally loved. It bothered me to no end when; say a potty call would interfere with my Google chat or Facebook session. Having to get up from my beloved eight hour sleeps for night feeds really overwhelmed me; not so much with fatigue as with anger.

I counted days and then months hoping my suffering would disappear one day out of some divine benevolence, but much to my dismay, Project J just got bigger and noisier. I just wanted him to sleep and savour every second of peace and the much missed ‘me time. I gushed about it and gave vent to my feelings on this blog hoping some kindred spirits would empathise (sympathise really) with my pitiable state.

Then suddenly one day I found myself blogging about books, taps and hands and going about my life as if nothing had happened. Jishnu had ceased to ‘happen’. He had, in his characteristic calm, blended into my life without my knowing it. It is said of habits that an act repeated 21 times forms one. I may have taken some 201, but Jishnu’s presence became a habit after all. Feeding him, cleaning him, playing with him, and loving him didn’t seem Herculean any more. Living my life with him rather than around him has become a practiced art form.  In fact, today I can even claim to be able to walk a tightrope carrying him if I have to.

So, it really is the end of Project J. I know because I sometimes actually wait for him to wake up.


A secret admirer said...

Quite impressive.

I am still wondering if you have really accepted Jishnu as your "blended" part or you just would like to force such a belief, because there was no other easier way except declaring your acceptance publicly (You know documentation has its own benefits)and because you were tired of your guilt of "non-acceptance" and you sought after a freedom from that guilt.

Regardless, sometimes the means don't matter. What matters is what you achieve.

If this is what it takes (or took) to achieve justice with Jishnu, then be it.

And yes...Stick to this feeling, because if its weak in any remotest way, then your "Me"(or illusion of it) will take no time to surface.

A Secret Admirer said...

my email address:

Akanksha said...

Congratulations Urmi. Go ahead and have fun with your son (no more a project). I am sure all these were your observations and thinking which made to your blog and not anything else (acceptance or achievement or whatever):)