Lovey-dovey dos

Sound cheesy as they may, these poems are the result of real tugs at real heartstrings of a real love in a real relationship. These are the words of a young woman in love studying English literature.

Looking at tomorrow (2000)
To wake up in your arms each morning,
I dream of growing old with you.
I imagine walking hand in hand,
On grass wet with morning dew.
To bring you bed tea each morning,
Want to argue about the colour of your shirt,
I think of experiencing myriad emotions
With you – healings and hurt.
I want you to despair over my cooking
And smile at  my little victories,
I’d expect you to kiss me each time
I help you solve life’s mysteries.
With you life’s journey, my trusted friend,
I want to live a fairytale with you.
But when I say that; don’t mistake
That bickering and quarrels will be few.
Each time yet, I’ll come to make it up
And imagine you playfully turn away,
I dream of an evergreen relationship
Whence new love awaits each day.
I imagine being your support
And dream of you as my strength.
I know that saying matters; trust me,
Each word I’ve said, I’ve meant.

Farewell my trust (2000)
Yes,
That’s what I’ve always known you as
My faith, my trust.
Though it tears my heart apart,
Bid farewell I must.
Today we are separating,
Just bodily, not by mind.
I’ll not lose you forever
For you are one of a kind.
People come and they will do so.
They come and they leave,
But I’ll not let you go.
How can I do thus?
When you are my credence,
When I gain my strength from you,
When with you is my alliance.
But a goodbye is inevitable,
For you’ve played your part.
You have a fresh future ahead
And a new life to start.
Leave you might,
But I’ll detain your care.
For without it,
My soul will be bare.
Stifling a sob,
Striving to smile,
I take my virgin step
Towards my first lonely mile.
Through love and laughter,
And hatred and pain
You’ve been the best of friends,
And will be the same.
Of heartaches and disappointments,
I hereby apologise,
The depths of my remorse,
Perhaps you’ll never surmise.
The days, the months, the years,
Have swiftly passed us by
With you by my side
Within the blink of an eye.
I’ll treasure the times,
With you which I’ve spent
For in my life you were,
An angel God sent.
With a prayer for you,
This bond I untie,
Though it breaks my heart,
To say the last goodbye.

Stirrings (2001)
Talking about past tense,
Love seemed like nonsense.
Couldn’t see how intense
Is love’s pure effulgence.
It is only of late,
That she smiled upon me – fate.
Now united with my soul mate
After this interminable wait.
Love is an infinite possibility,
Exposing lucre’s naked frailty,
No more ego, nor vanity,
Trust is now the eternal verity.
A whole new world I see,
Come share the sight with me.
Boundless joy is love’s decree,
Will last us an eternity.
Love’s depths I cannot surmise
Not to fall in love, but rise,
Have no desire for paradise,
Just a place forever in his eyes.

Endeavour (2001)
Strange, how we never know,
What we’ve got,
Until it is time,
For us to let it go.
But I’ll live and love you everyday,
Through tears and through mirth,
And wait not till the day you leave
To know all that you are worth.
You’re my most precious dream,
The one that came true.
 Who has loved me for real
With pains, and seen me through.
With you love’s no mystery,
Oh, simple-hearted angel of mine.
It is bright. As pure daylight
Rips through despair to come forth
And shine.
Can I lock you in my heart?
Can I keep you forever?
For the love that is an eternity,
A promise, an endeavour?

Modern lovers speak (2001)
Love is as changeless as the sun
That every lover knows.
But expressions change over time,
This is how modern lovers speak.
And it goes…
“Why can’t it move the clock hands?
Love moves mountains they say.
The moments creep by inches,
Damn this long interminable day.
Are dreams just dreams?
Hopes seem fragile indeed.
But isn’t love tough?
Isn’t it strong enough
That we may name it our creed?
Indulgence, innocence,
Ambition, desperation…
Components or conflicts of love?
After shedding all the false shame,
Love leads to salvation.
Acceptance of society,
I guess is yet the bare necessity.
Do we dare ignore it?
Meanwhile, love me pure love
No doubt, no guilt, no fear, no pity.
SMS-ing our hearts out,
Phoning in our feelings.
Do we look clichéd?
No, I conclude I love you just like that,
Even as I stare at the ceiling.
‘Will you be my souse?’
Oh, it’s just a routine question
Over the click of a mouse.
What is true love?
Bank balance, a car, a house?
No, no again. Love is what I feel for you.
No logic, no reasons, even so
Neither a justification.
It’s plain love,
Not without expectations though.
I need you, you time and attention.
Not very unreasonable either.
Is it?
A future together?
Depends on fair weather!”
Long before the sun rises,
The sky glows with a warm red hue.
Love’s effulgence is brighter.
Lucky enough to bathe in this light,
Let’s cherish it – me and you. 

Jesus Lived In India by Holger Kersten: Impressions

This one I couldn’t finish in decent time either and I took the usual solace in the usual ‘busy schedule’ bahana. But the thought provoking ideas of Holger Kersten were worthy of every stretched minute.

The bold note which the book begins with is nothing like it when it ends. The end result was that I couldn't care less if Kersten’s hypothesis seems to me proven or not. But what the book did for me was an entirely different deal. What was in it for me was this wonderful way in which parallels were drawn between the major religions of the world. Also the painstaking research that has been put in by the author to trace the common etymological origins of similar religious terminology is a treat.

For a religion and language buff like me, the delight at each discovery was twice as much. Reading the book opened up the grand vista to the evolution of world religions as it did to the minds of men who wield religion for power; a topic that has always fascinated me. My intellectual interests apart, the book transfused in me a lasting sense of unity on a ‘personal’ front. The challenges of an inter-religion marriage are many and minute. Its difficult to say which grazes what and from where stems trouble. For a Hindu woman with a Catholic husband, the idea of the possibility of a culmination of the two religions is ‘relieving’, albeit a far-fetched idea.
I’ve experienced smug seconds though when I almost believed that Christ was ‘inspired’ (Bollywood music director-style) by Buddhism via Hinduism; felt that undeserving sense of superiority over the other- like the naive ‘My God is greater than yours’ kind of a thing. But the bottom line was this pervading sense of unity, knowing that he and I are fundamentally the same, no matter how different our religious garbs look. Not that I hadn’t known it all along, but to see it reiterated in print seemed to bolster my conviction.

All in all, I’m too bothered with my relationship to be bothered with who lived where.

WHOOPIE!!!

17.07.07

I can’t stop smiling, giggling actually; and feeling ticklish in the tummy and silly. It must be happiness in all its splendour. Pure joy this must be. V said the words this morning. I knew he would eventually, but like all other things he does, he managed to throw me off guard this time around too. J That’s his style: inconspicuous, jet-speed hints (ones that you miss if you’re not on tenterhooks all the time), and a no-drama delivery. And it hits you like, BANG! When you’re least expecting it.

We were talking only last night about it; and he got me to believe that I was risking a premature admission or worse still, a belief of prematurity when he did say it. Yet another of his defences was that I was supposedly pre-empting his wanting to say it. Hah!

Um…well, guess I was, and I decided to stop doing whatever pre-empting means. I told him that it was hurting for me to love him and not have him love me back; but I didn’t say the words; haven’t said them yet, tra la!!!

I wanted so much to share this joy with someone and the effective choice turned out to be, as it always does, V. One call later, I’m settled. We have this strange trade of calm and restlessness that comes from him being inherently rational and me being inherently emotional. He gives me the calm, and I him the restlessness. He injects a thought, and I a feeling. Fair play and perfect foil.

But there are flashes of fear. But well, what joy hasn’t fear mixed with it? The fear of losing the worth of something attained so laboriously, the fear of altered meanings and the fear of an expected routine. I hope the ‘I love you’ doesn’t become as meaningless as a “heyyy” for me; again, for him too, again. I’m hoping with all I’ve got that V is not another one of those guys who become uninteresting the minute I get them to say the words. Damn! What am I saying? I know he isn’t one of them. This, as he puts it, is just one of the tinier missions of mine to get the whole of him.

A spiritual journey is what I’m offering him: a quest for him to integrate his self as a whole. I’m afraid there too. He’s rather complete as a man already. What if he needs me no more after completing his soul? But do I want him to need me? Or simply want me because he wants to. That has been a great honour and I reckon it will be so. I hope I also love him because I want him and not because I need him. Love ought not to be price paid for ones needs. I’ve paid it once. He’s paid it too. Thus, this time around, these words bring about a great deal of responsibility with them. I hope we’ve understood each other enough to respect that.

For this time though, I’ll just sit back and be happy, knowing that it is not premature.

Of butterflies: these and those

These winged creatures seem to be dominating my life right now: the nectar-feeding, garden-fluttering, fiancé-favourite variety and the tummy tickling ones. Myriads of butterflies touch and go my insides as I sit here waiting and worrying and imagining how everyone must be practicing their ‘helloes’. V is meeting babu (dad) today, and to say the least, babu’s meeting V. The two most important men in my life will have an interface today. I can only hope they emerge on the other side unscathed and open…

Everyone’s scared. No one knows anything and everyone’s trying to appear educated. God knows we can put out the largest butterfly garden…if we put together everybody’s: V’s, his parents’, my parents’ and mine. The only real fear is of first impressions; especially when the cultural contexts are impossibly different. Knowing, though, that all the people involved are educated, civilized, etc.; the knowledge of the damage potential of one wrong statement made, even in the most innocent of intents, is what is scaring the hell out of me. These relationships are for life and it is only the least that one hopes for the best, at least to begin with.

I am getting married (deep breath). I now even know when. I mean I know precisely when – the 11^th of February 2008. But of the many dualities that mark and will continue to mark this relationship, a doubt of whether I will be ‘allowed’ to remember this date as my marriage anniversary remains; because the 11^th of Feb is only the first of our weddings – the Hindu/Bong one. A Catholic wedding (date still undecided) that will ensue the Hindu one will almost always demand to be considered for equal candidature as the anniversary.

Choosing V as my life partner was as simple as the rest of it is complicated. Bypassing the argument that simplicity or complication are both just states of the mind, I’ve often sat considering what this relationship entails…and omigosh, for the rest of my life!!!

V and I had this conversation yesterday which led me to notice that no one had asked anyone whether or not they wanted to get married. I was moving along my decided course and V just seemed to have blended in. I had marked my timelines and I wanted to get married. Tick in the first social checkbox – post graduated at 23; tick in the second social checkbox – work for a year; third in the third – marry at 24 and four- a kid (preferably a girl) at 25.

Through my acquaintance-friendship-dependence-unity with V, and my simultaneous break up with A, we never even had what can qualify to be called a courtship. What started out as a virtual acquaintance, transitioned easily into an alliance marked by interminable phone calls of confession and heart-to-hearts to quickly yet un-ostentatiously to this day when we stand engaged.

Its weird and wonderful how these decisions were made pat, in complete doubtlessness. Even as I discovered his love of creepy-crawlies and his mulish ways, the feeling of correctness pervaded. If, as I believe, God speaks through the gut (heart actually… but God and gut are alliterative), I know this is right, and bright and beautiful…just like those butterflies V’s trying to teach me to appreciate.

Just another guy?

Something’s not quite right. Am beginning to wonder if people who claim to be unperturbed by truths really remain so. A certain relationship has started veering towards the undesirable; and by ‘undesirable’ I most certainly mean the ‘usual’. The usual beginnings of expectations and the natural consequence of disappointments are taking place. Ego tussles and proud silences are appearing on the horizon. This is the first sign of danger – the first premonitions of its mortality. What I walked along believing to be special is turning out to be yet another false start.

The eight months of growth of this relationship have been a dream; and now when the entity has taken a discernable shape, it’s time to wake up - time to feel guilty if you do not feel concern; time to feel insensitive if you state too many hurtful truths.

This is where it begins – that dreadful process of ‘normalization’. NORMAL is SCARY.
Normal is a stream of Zombies with faces and ideas unchanged for centuries. Just another relationship with just another guy – that is content for a horror story!

As I fight time and again to preserve that element of the ‘elusive’, I see it slipping away. Interacting in one way or another brings about familiarity; and needless to say, familiarity breeds contempt. But can I contemptuously keep discarding one person after another just because I’ve understood the ‘mysterious’ in them all too soon? It is selfish – and that’s alright; but it’s also unfair, and is that?

Guess not; but what is the other way about it? Is being familiar – bored – contemptuous – duty bound – false – tired the better than to cause ‘temporary’ heartbreaks? Whether it is just another guy or a very special one, letting things be, surely seems to be the more rational of choices, for time heals, whether wants to be healed or not. I must not be scared of ‘hurting’. Hurts will be healed and dissolved sooner or later. A scar is better than the permanent raw gash of a false relationship.

Think…think…